Not-the-reasons

Not-the-reasons I am vegan:

1. because I am squeamish and lily-livered
2. because I didn’t grow up on a farm; if I had I wouldn’t be afflicted y 1) and would be more realistic about life
3. because I get all warm and fuzzy about cute little animals and ascribe them anthropomorphic qualities when in reality they are non-sentient, soulless automatons
4. because I don’t understand the circle of life
5. because if we didn't breed them to eat them, all the cows would become extinct
6. because cows have to produce milk and otherwise it would get wasted; don't I know it's good for my bones?
7. because I have canine teeth so I should use them
8. because my paleo-ancestors did, and what was good 10,000 years ago is totally what I should be doing now
9. because the Bible gave man dominion over the earth (an incidentally, didn't it give man dominion over woman too? I'd better become very submissive to Buzz immediately)
10. because I am being silly and I’ll get bored of it soon. It's just a phase she's going through
11. because I am a fussy eater
12. (some incomprehensible reason)
13. because I am part of the food chain and I am on top; I have no choice but to exert my dominance
14. because I haven’t eaten meat in so long that I can’t remember how delicious it is, and having a sausage waved under my nose will make me really miss it and salivate a lot
15. because I don’t like eating at all, really
16. because I can’t appreciate good food
17. because I don’t like cooking myself and don’t really know how
18. because they'd eat us if they had the chance ... it's a jungle out there with those ferocious sheep
19. because I am ignoring my cultural imperatives
20. because I want to insult people and be a difficult guest
21. because I am a craaaazy wackjob
22. because there’s a social contract with animals whereby I get to eat and they get to be eaten
23. because what if like there was a nuclear explosion and I had to hunt to survive?
24. because chickens pop out eggs anyway and it doesn’t hurt them; no animals have been harmed in the making of this omelette
25. because I just haven’t realised that it’s ok to eat organic, sustainable meat
26. because I am a raving extremist who wants to firebomb your house every time you have chops for dinner
27. because i love having to defend my eatering choices in public at every possible opportunity
28. because I love being made fun of and deliberately baited and offended, and having to bite my tongue so I don't become 'that vegan'
29. because I fail to recognise that people who grew up on a farm/hunt/fish/just like to eat meat actually know all about animals and meat-eating and the environment and the food chain and are in fact the real conservationists, and have done a lot of research on it, and I should just bow to their superior experience and understanding
30. because I value animal life far, far above human life and you can really only care about one thing at a time
31. because I am against human rights
32. because I am really interested in discussing ridiculous, impossible and irrelevant hypotheticals with you, cos one day you might be stuck on a desert island with only a cow for company and if you can eat her for 'survival' in that ridiculous, impossible and irrelevant hypothetical, that totally ethically justifies the Big Mac you had yesterday and the chicken parma you've just ordered for dinner
33. because I fail to recognise that if you can't eliminate every possibility that you will ever swallow a fly, have an insect hit your windshield, walk on asphalt which covered the homes of little bugs, or step on an ant, then you shouldn't bother trying to stop killing animals at all. Ditto using medicines
34. because I don't realise that wool is natural and therefore the means of its production are irrelevant
35. because I'm not interested in nice clothes or accessories
36. because I don't want to eat any protein and I couldn't possible get any anywhere else
37. because I don't care about my health
38. because I haven't invested time in research and reading my position; this is a completely random and illogical position with no academic support
39. because I am a hippie who doesn't wash
40. because I care about animals, the environment and my health (Oh no wait! That one's true! Golly gosh!)